Forgiveness is undeserved

2011-07-04T14:03:00.003+08:00

Today I was just thinking about Hot-Tempered as a characteristic of my family and telling God how i really wanted it to change. We can never seem to get pass the 3rd sentence without raising our voices and pissing each other off. I really cant stand it. So i ended up quarreling with my younger sister cause she was acting like a know-it-all brat. The worst part was this was in public. All the way from the coffeeshop to the lift (with a stranger inside) to the house. It was terrible. I dont think it matters much to her except for the fact that she felt accused and that she was right. But looking beyond all these, it wasnt a matter of right or wrong. Everytime i try to teach her something and offer her a bigger perspective in life, she would resist and just end up screaming at me. Yesterday, she shouted at my mother and today, me. Honestly, i cannot stand being in the same space with her. And i did thought of not talking to any of them anymore, cause they dont want to even hear my voice.

God, I feel really broken on the inside. Broken because I dont have the space to express myself in this family. Broken because my sister is leading a crappy life with nobody to guide her and she refuse to listen to me.

So I was reading past Daily devotions from Joel Osteen Ministry and the first said, "speak words of encouragement". (Yes Lord, i totally want to, but how?) The second said "Hope does not disappoint". And the third says "I am God's voice and mouthpiece". I can speak good to encourage others because I have a HOPE that never fails. He has made me His mouthpiece to spread the gospel and bring good news to people. I am set apart to be His voice, and i will (by His grace) be an encourager. But first, i have to release all the bitterness in my heart to Him.

It so happen that I chanced upon this page titled: Let the pain go.

"The truth is that forgiveness has nothing to do with who is right or wrong. Forgiveness is a free agent. It is not attached to reason or agreement or even understanding. It is however attached to wholeness and to your healing and liberation.

Unforgiveness is a prison. It slams the door on new beginnings and entrenches you in your present pain. It chains the heart and stops it from beating. It suffocates joy and paralyzes your ability to move on. Unforgiveness is the cancer of the soul. It slowly eats away the marrow of your existence and impairs your judgment, your personality and your ability to love again."

And that is a good reminder of what forgiveness means. Freely forgiven i am, so freely i shall forgive. Did not Jesus take her(my sister's) wrongdoings at the cross? Did not Jesus also take my mistakes at the cross? So shall i not look at her in the judgmental way, but i shall see her like how Daddy God in heaven sees me.

Prayer right now:

Daddy God, I put You as the pre-eminence in my life. I believe I have been set apart by You to lead a holy life. I believe in Your finished work at the cross, and I believe that I am Freely forgiven. Help me to see my sister from Your perspective. I trust that what has happened has passed, but You shall heal my heart from all the brokeness and restoration is here and now. In Jesus name i pray, Amen!

A new creation

2011-06-27T22:56:00.006+08:00

Recently, i've been kind of dependent on people and getting self-concious too often. I've been constantly keeping myself in check (is my hair ok? is the person looking at me?) Going to sunday service alone, i will think to myself, will others see me as a loner? And my mind is constantly looking for company and things to keep myself occupied. I'm sure many gals out there have felt this way before as well. This kind of self-conciousness stems from a hunger that is deep within the heart. So deep that nothing can satisfy but the Love of God.

I was reading this book called "Entrusting the Key" by Ali Smith. I really like this book for the author is so real in sharing and i can totally associate with her. In chapter 4:accepting closed doors, a few sentences stood out to me. Ali Smith quoted 2Cor5:17 "Whosoever is a believer in Christ is a new creation. The old way of living has disappeared. The new way of living has come into existence" (GWT) I was just meditating on this verse when it hit me that I AM A NEW CREATION. So why am i not walking out the NEW way of living that the bible has stated? What does it mean to walk in the new way? It simply means to walk in Jesus' redemptive work at the cross i.e. to walk out the life of EXCHANGE that He has died for me to live. I am able to have dominion over every sickness, negative thought, every negative emotion that the devil throw against me for Jesus has died to give me His authority and victory. This gave me strength to stand up against the loneliness that has been dwelling in my heart.

In this chapter, Ali was sharing on how her friend tried to matchmake her with her nephew, and how she involved God in the relationship between her and the guy. She quoted 2cor5:17 in the context of how "the new way of living is becoming apparent through the people and circumstances that He has placed around (her)." (Smith, Entrusting the Key) I caught myself thinking, do i involve God in my relationship with others? Whenever i am attracted to a guy, i will ask God if he is the one for me, if he is a good catch, if anything would happen between us, if i can get more chances to hang out with him and getting to know him better. But i realized that though i asked alot of questions, i have not asked the right questions. Sometimes, we always think we know the best for ourselves, but would we know it better than Our Creator, The One who has been to the future and knows the best for us? What does it really mean to involve God in my relationship with people, you may ask. I believe that it is focussing on His love and trusting that He knows the best for me, and REST. To quote today's devotion from New Creation Church

"believe God and be at rest. When the time comes, whatever you need to know, there and then, God will let you know. Whatever you don’t need to know, you don’t need to know. And don’t worry about what you didn’t say — believe that God didn’t want it said. My friend, when you live life like that — trusting God and resting in His love for you — you become cool and collected. And when you are peaceful and at rest in Him, what you do prospers!"

To involve God is actually to Rest in His Love for you. It is about believing that I am walking in His time and season for me and He is preparing me and my partner for a lovely blossoming relationship. Sometimes asking too many random questions changes our focus from Him to our self-effort. After asking those questions, i began to start to make moves to get to know the person better. First by adding him on Facebook, to understand his lifestyle, friends etc... And maybe try to see if i can "coincidentally" bump into him somewhere in church. When i catch myself being disappointed at my failed attempts, I felt God speaking to me in a gentle voice :"Darling, do you not trust what I can do for you? Why would you even think that you can create your own chances of meeting him? I am the Creator of Heaven and Earth. Let me do what I do best". At that moment, i was just so blown away by how real God is to me and how much He wants the best for me. Daddy God always want to secure me in His love before i can get into a relationship with another man. The only reason is that when i am secure in His love, i am able to love with the agape love that He has shown me.

This is not the end yet.

The chapter focus on how God closes doors for our own benefits. Ali asked God from the bottom of her heart, to close the door (of this relationship) if it was not meant for her. After she prayed that prayer, she realized that the guy was not exactly interested in her as she had thought! There and then, she knew God had shown her the answer but she wanted to retract that prayer. But she meant what she prayed and to quote her:

"There was a momentary boo-boo, but mostly from my bruised ego. The neat thing was that God totally changed my heart after that. The attraction i had felt for Adam was suddenly removed... As i sought to honor God with my life by obeying His instructions, i felt He honored me in return with clarity, peace and freedom to move on."

And this is the last thing i want to touch on in this long post. That God who closed the door, is the one who gives strength for me to move on. Many a times, when i tell God "i'll leave it up to You if things will work out with this guy", i realised that after awhile, i no longer am attracted to him. God knows what is the best for me and i am glad that He did not grant me when i prayed to be with those guys i thought were "good choices". As humans, we are always wanting for things to happen 'right now'.We tend to believe that if i miss this chance, i will never get it again! We fail to see that God is never restricted by time. Continue to believe that He does not have a plan B and we are on His time and season.

Captivating the Heart

Forgiveness is undeserved

A new creation